


I Need to be Redeemed to the One I've Sinned Against

by s0mersalty



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Fix-It, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e13 Mount Rushmore or Less
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-11-08 12:02:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17980964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/s0mersalty/pseuds/s0mersalty
Summary: yet another post-3x13 fix-it ficAfter Costume Day, TJ tries to put some distance between him & Cyrus, only to realize Cyrus is doing the same.





	I Need to be Redeemed to the One I've Sinned Against

**Author's Note:**

> title from "Criminal" by Fiona Apple
> 
> I am considering writing one from Cyrus' POV, so let me know if that's something you'd be interested in!

It would be disingenuous to say that things go back to normal after Costume Day—TJ was beginning to believe life as he knew it would never be normal again—but Cyrus seems genuinely unbothered by Monday morning. 

TJ braced himself all weekend for a confrontation, or at least being frozen out like after the gun incident, with Buffy and Andi standing between him and Cyrus. 

And while Buffy may start making vaguely threatening comments whenever TJ walks up, Cyrus shushes her and greets him like nothing’s happened.

And maybe to Cyrus, nothing has. 

But TJ’s world has been shaken, and he wants nothing more than to talk to his best friend, but he can’t stand the thought of Cyrus pushing him away, of Cyrus looking at him differently. 

Sure, TJ has his suspicions about Cyrus, and he’s seventy-five percent sure they’re not just motivated by his own feelings, but if Cyrus hasn’t felt comfortable enough to tell TJ something like that in all the time they’ve been friends… well, TJ doesn’t want to put him on the spot now.

So he sucks it up, tucks Costume Day away, avoids Kira’s knowing smirk in the halls, and tries his best to move forward. If he touches Cyrus a little less, doesn’t immediately reply to his texts, and is excruciatingly aware of his proximity to Cyrus every time they’re in the same room… well, it’s probably for the best. 

If Cyrus isn’t… like TJ, then he probably doesn’t even notice the change. And if he is, it’s best that TJ not lead him on, because right now, the idea of blowing up his entire life is unthinkable. He’s not sure he’s brave enough, and Cyrus deserves better.

He doesn’t realize the distancing is mutual until it’s almost too late.

To his everlasting shame, it’s Jonah who points it out to him. 

“Are you and Cyrus still fighting about Costume Day?” he asks, dropping into the armchair across from TJ’s at the Red Rooster. For the first time, the two of them had made loose plans to meet up without the rest of the group after they’d spent the entire lunch period discussing records. Turns out, a little space away from Cyrus was bad for his heart, but good for getting to know the other people in his new circle a little better.

TJ grimaces. “We never fought about Costume Day. Cyrus wasn’t even mad.” He tries not to sound disappointed at that. It’s a good thing that he was the only one upset by the events of that day.

Jonah huffs out a confused laugh, dimples winking. “Are you sure, man? I invited him to tag along, and the first thing he asked was if you’d be here. I thought he’d be all over it, since you’re so close, but…” He shakes his head. “It was a no-go, dude.”

It’s like a blow to the gut. “He wouldn’t come because of me?”

“That’s what it seemed like,” Jonah confirms with a wince. “Sorry, man. I know he was trying to give you some space after that whole thing, but—”

“What? No, he hasn’t been...” All at once, it starts to click. TJ had thought he’d been so good about moderating his own behavior, but… it’s been easy not to touch Cyrus as much, because Cyrus doesn’t approach him on his own anymore. He can’t even remember the last time he had cause to wait an appropriate amount of time to reply to a text from Cyrus—in fact, they mostly communicated through group chats now. And when was the last time he and Cyrus were alone together in the same room? Had it really been weeks? TJ’s throat tightens. “Was he really mad after Costume Day?” he asks in a small voice.

Jonah looks up from the album sleeve he’d been reading, and shrugs. “I bailed on Mount Rushmore, and he ended up taking my place, so I didn't see the fallout. But honestly? I was kind of surprised you guys were talking the week after. Just going off what Buffy said, Cy was pretty bummed.”

“Why didn’t he say anything?”

“You know Cyrus. He loves getting his friends to talk out their issues, but he never brings up his big stuff. At least not until he’s ready. I mean, how long were we friends before he told me—” Jonah stops himself short and shoots a sheepish smile at TJ. “Never mind.”

TJ eyes the other boy suspiciously, but doesn’t comment, and lets Jonah change the topic. But he thinks about their conversation the rest of the afternoon.

On the way home, he takes a detour past the park, as he frequently does, just to make sure Cyrus isn’t there, swinging sadly and in need of a friend. He rarely is, but TJ doesn’t feel right if he goes even a single day without checking.

Today is no different. Cyrus isn’t at the swingset, the one TJ thinks of as theirs, and he lets his shoulders droop, heaving out a sigh, and turns—only to catch a glimpse of a familiar face. Cyrus sits on a bench farther down the path, looking like he wants nothing more than to bolt as soon as they lock eyes.

He doesn’t run, but he also doesn’t hide the slump of his body as TJ finally manages to make his feet move from where he’s frozen. “Cyrus.”

The smile he gets in return is a ghost of the usual welcome. “TJ. Did you and Jonah have fun?” When TJ just nods, Cyrus returns it and looks away. “That’s good. I’m glad you’re getting closer. It never made sense why you weren’t friends with him instead of me. At least, not once we solved the little league jersey theft.”

“Now that he talks about something more than ultimate, he’s cool and everything, but—and not to be a jerk—I never saw the appeal.” He shrugs when Cyrus stares at him in shock. “I know, I know, everyone  _ loves  _ Jonah Beck but—what is it?” he asks as something unreadable flashes across Cyrus’ face. Is he… trying not to laugh?

Cyrus clears his throat. “A story for another time. At least, I hope so.” He furrows his brow. “Were you looking for me?”

“I was, actually.” TJ takes a deep breath and meets Cyrus’ gaze steadily. “After Costume Day, I was really expecting a blow-up—I know I was the worst friend ever, ditching on our costume. But when you weren’t mad after, I thought we were good. But Jonah said something that made me think that may not be the case. So… what’s going on, Cyrus? Are we okay?”

Cyrus smiles sadly at his hands as they fidget in his lap. “I want to be, but… TJ, I’m gay.” Before TJ can process that, Cyrus glances his way and holds up a hand. “Don’t say anything yet. I’m not… I just need to get this out. I like you so much, both as a friend and as a crush, so when you decided to dress up with Kira instead, it was like being rejected twice as hard. Especially because…” He licks his lips and takes a breath, before shooting those dark eyes TJ’s way again. “Stupidly I had convinced myself you felt the same way.”

TJ’s breath hitches, and his heart stops, but Cyrus just keeps going.

“I’ve had an impossible crush on another straight boy, and this just felt different… possible, in the best way. So I let myself get sucked in.” He shakes his head, eyes welling, and TJ feels the tell-tale sting of his eyes, too. “There have been so many moments when I thought, ‘This is it. This is the moment he realizes how he feels about me.’ And so many times when I just wanted to shake you and make you spit out the words first, so I didn’t have to. But it was never gonna happen, was it? We’re friends, and Costume Day proved that, and I just… I wasn’t mad, TJ. But I did need some space to, I don’t know, realign how I felt about you.” He tries a wobbly smile as one tear breaks free down his cheek. “I’m sorry. This is probably so not what you expected when you came looking for me.”

“Cyrus…” TJ’s voice comes out scratchy and thin, and his breathing is too shallow. He’d half-hoped, half-dreaded this conversation for so long, and he had no idea how to do it right. “I’m gay, too.” He nods when Cyrus stares at him in shock. “I… I’ve never said that out loud before. I never wanted anyone to know until today. Until you.” He snorts. “I thought I was so convincing, too. But then, that day in the park, Kira only saw us together for, what, thirty seconds? And she figured it out.”

Cyrus shakes his head. “Figured what out?”

TJ closes his eyes on a shake exhale. “That I like you.  _ Like _ like you.” Opening his eyes, he lets out a humorless laugh at the surprise on Cyrus’ face. “All those moments? You were right. I felt it, too. Apparently I wasn’t as good at keeping it secret as I thought.”

“I’m… I can’t believe… I mean, I know I just said I thought before Costume Day that you might—but wait. Is that why you switched costumes?”

TJ nods and drops down onto the bench with a sigh. “Kira made some comment about me wanting to do a costume with you and not her, and it made me feel… exposed. I thought—I  _ really _ thought no one would realize how I felt, and when she said what she did, I panicked.  I thought about it all night—I couldn’t even sleep—and decided that if she’d figured it out that quickly, I needed to undo the damage fast.” He shakes his head. “Even then, I went back and forth all morning, and I just… I couldn’t take everyone  _ knowing _ . Do you understand?”

“You’re ashamed of me,” Cyrus murmurs with a sad nod, shoulders slumping even further, and TJ’s gut freezes.

“No! Cyrus, god, no, I’m not. But the dyscalculia was bad enough, and at least I can hide that from most people. But being gay? Having to tell my family, our friends, the whole school?” His entire body goes hot and then cold at the thought. “And it doesn’t stop there. I will never have to stop coming out for the rest of my life. Never knowing if this will be the person who finds a fundamental part of my personality wrong or disgusting. Never knowing if this will be the time that costs me a scholarship or a job or some opportunity that Straight-Passing TJ could’ve landed without a moment’s hesitation. Or if the situation will escalate even beyond that.”

Cyrus frowns. “You think I don’t know that? You think I haven’t been terrified to tell every single person who knows? That I haven’t been certain I was going to lose them forever? But I still told them, and I’ll keep doing it, because that’s who I am, and if they don’t like all of me, then I don’t need them in my life. And yeah, I’ve been incredibly lucky because every single person I’ve come out to has been accepting. I know that doesn’t happen often, and I dread the day I see a different outcome. But it’s not going to stop me from being me. I can be self-deprecating, but I know one thing: I deserve to have a life in the the light, not one in the shadows. And so do you, TJ.”

TJ thinks about that life. Being able to walk down the street holding Cyrus’s hand, knowing they may get some comments, but weathering them together. To hang out at school, and go on dates, and dance together in public, and be one of those sickening couples that couldn’t keep their hands to themselves and made everyone groan with jealousy. It might not be perfect, and it definitely wouldn’t always be easy. But wouldn’t the hard times be worth it? For Cyrus?

“Is that what you want?” He swallows hard. “For me to come out? Because I… I will. I’ll do it, if that’s what it takes for you to forgive me. I’ll tell the whole school, my family, everyone.”

Cyrus’s face softens as he turns on the bench. “TJ, no. I don’t want to force you into anything. I’m not even out to anyone but our friends. That’s something you should do on your own timetable.”

TJ frowns, brow wrinkling. “But… I don’t understand. Isn’t that what you’re talking about? The grand gesture and the fanfare and the perfect movie kiss.” They both flush at that, and Cyrus bites his lip, just a quick pressure of white teeth against pink flesh, but it breaks TJ’s focus and he has to take a shaky breath to regain his equilibrium. “I want to give you all of it. You  _ do _ deserve all of it. A life in the light, like you said.”

Cyrus huffs a breathy laugh. “And if we were in a teen rom-com where we knew that we’d get the happy ending and divine justice would be meted out to any villains, that’d be great. But we’re still just two gay kids, and the reality is that there will always be people who don’t think we should lo—like each other, and we need to be safe, too.” He grins, and TJ can’t help but smile with him. “But who knows? Maybe we’ll get there someday.”

“But in the meantime, how do I fix this?” He holds his palm up, an offering.

Taking his hand, Cyrus sighs into a slight shrug. “Maybe we just go back to how it was, with a few minor changes. We don’t have to tell anyone anything you’re not comfortable with. They all suspected at least part of it; let them dangle a little longer.” He quirks a brow.

“And the changes?” TJ asks, then holds his breath.

“Well…” Cyrus says, looking up through his dark lashes in the exact way that always makes TJ’s stomach transform to a flock of butterflies, “you know my secret, and now I know yours, so maybe we could be more than just friends.”

Laughing, TJ interlocks their fingers. “Cyrus, I think we’ve been more than just friends for longer than either of us realizes. So we’d be… boyfriends?” he asks, hope welling up in his throat.

It springs free when Cyrus smiles and slides into his side, resting one temple against his shoulder. “Secret boyfriends. Until we, and no one else, decide differently.”

* * *

They only make it a few weeks before they tell their friends; eight months before they tell their parents—all six of them. Telling new friends in high school is more miss than hit, but they both have better luck at each of their respective colleges.

By the time they stop being boyfriends in their late 20s, they’re out to everyone in their lives who matter, and have cut out the ones who don’t, and so the crowd is only full of joy when Cyrus and TJ become husbands beneath the chuppah in the full light of day.

**Author's Note:**

> come talk to me on [tumblr](http://s0mersalty.tumblr.com)


End file.
